The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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