so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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