I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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