somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
