I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
