So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
