Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
