I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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