i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
