A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
