Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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