I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
