Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
