Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
