Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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