Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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