also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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