Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
How's work?
Spinning.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize