you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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