No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
is that a dick in a sweater?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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