im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
