so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
