it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize