i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
