the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
