A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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