He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
