No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
