Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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