I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
