I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
