I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
