we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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