oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
