I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
