There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
