Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
