just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
