So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
