I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize