My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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