dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
