3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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