***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
