just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
