the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
