her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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