It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
