Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
