No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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