We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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