first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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