tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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