things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
