I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
