Your mouth is God's brothel.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
