I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
