i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
