I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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