I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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