conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
