I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize