Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
